Pre & Post Wedding Depression. A Confession of A Bride.

Hey guys! How is your week coming along?

Today is World Mental Health Day. I'll be talking about a not so common topic on wedding sites and forums, yet pretty common among brides-to-be.

But before we start, a little disclaimer. So yes I'm going to talk about depression, and it is a sensitive topic. I am in no way a professional, and I know different people see depression differently. I just want to get this post out to share my personal experiences so maybe someone who is suffering silently can see this and find some comfort. But do remember I'm speaking out of experiences and for myself.

So my wedding preparations started exactly a year before my wedding. But as I'm at the age where many friends are getting married (mostly before me), I've heard a lot about wedding preparations. I've also watched a programme on Japanese TV where they spoke about post-wedding blues, where a bride feels empty after a big, beautiful, exciting wedding.

So I was well-aware of post-wedding blues, and prepared myself for it. And yes, I wasn't hit by any post-wedding blues, even though I did miss the preparations a little. All was good!

But I really wasn't prepared to be hit by something even before my wedding.

If you Google around for "Pre-Wedding Depression", the results are mostly about jitters or blues, or maybe a stronger word sometimes used would be stress or even anxiety. I first thought this is what I had. Just being stressed and nervous about such a big event. Everyone gets that. No biggie.

But it manifested and things started getting painful emotionally and mentally, and I found myself crying and having meltdowns a lot, especially when I'm alone at night in my room. I had problems sleeping, and instead cry myself to sleep almost every night. I also lost all my motivation at work and wasn't performing like my old self. I started calling in sick more and more. I just didn't want to do anything but hide in my bed under the covers.

Something wasn't right.

I am not fond of changes much. I am an extreme introvert who takes a lot more effort to know new people and environment than others. And at that time, not only was I just dealing with wedding preparations, but also kind of forced to change my job (deal to many reasons), the possibility of moving into my in-laws' (which is located in the east, while I'm at the west), forcing myself to meet new people etc.

Then I started thinking about the changes I need to make to my lifestyle, like not being able to travel on my own as and when I like to etc. All the negative thoughts started spiraling. These changes are all linked to getting married, and I guess I was extremely overwhelmed by all the changes I need to handle at once.

I started blaming myself, that I am weak, and that I am not prepared enough for a marriage. I knew that there are bound to be changes in how I live my life after getting married. My husband and I even attended a Marriage Preparation Course. So I started beating myself for not being able to handle these "stress" even though I knew they were coming, and started thinking that maybe I am just not good enough to be someone's wife.

The worst was that I hid all these from my husband, friends and mom. I acted like everything was cool. Then when I am alone I breakdown and cry. At work I felt like I was useless, because I had zero motivation to start or focus on anything at all. I just wanted to hide at my desk, surrounded by the partition and not meet anyone. I felt guilty and lousy.

Me at work.

According to Institute of Mental Health, these are the "most common symptoms of depression. If you experience 5 or more of these symptoms for 2 weeks or longer, you are probably depressed."

• Persistent sadness or feeling down or gloomy
• A loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed, such as socializing with friends and family, most of the day, nearly every day.
• Loss of appetite and loss of weight. (For me I binged)
• Insomnia. For some people, on the contrary, they find that they are sleeping more than normal.
• Feeling restless and agitated more easily.
• Feeling tired and having little energy.
• Unable to concentrate and think clearly and thereby becoming indecisive.
• Feeling of worthlessness and guilt
• Recurrent thoughts of death

8 out of 9 for me. Ouch. I didn't have any thoughts of death at all, because I still do love my husband a lot and know that the world is too beautiful and I should live to see it more. But still, 8 out of 9 is a lot.

This isn't the original me. 

Reflection has to be made. What went wrong? When did it all really started?

I believe this depressed side of me probably started when my father passed away 3 years ago. I always thought his death didn't affect me much because I wasn't close to him. But in actual fact it did. I miss him dearly and find myself in tears whenever something reminds me of him.

On top of that, there were hiccups at work that did a huge damage to my confidence and self-esteem.

So when wedding prep came along, all the negative thoughts overflowed and it triggered everything. It was like this huge wave just engulfed me.

This was my mind.

I need help.

The following are points I think that has play significant roles in my healing process. You can try them if you are starting to feel overwhelmed emotionally and mentally.

Do remember, what worked for me might not work for you. I am no professional. I was not even diagnosed. But as I was able to realised it early enough I decided to self-help. If you can, do seek professional help.

1. Accept that anyone can get depression.

Depression is still a very sensitive topic even in this modern time and day. Some people still see depression as a sign of being weak, or even lazy. And some people feel that they would never have depression. But acknowledging and accepting that anyone, including yourself, can have depression, is your first and most powerful step towards recovery. But you need to continue to find ways to help yourself after accepting that fact. Do not let it sink deeper!

2. Share your problems with people you can trust.

Don't make the same mistake as I did, hiding everything, thinking you can handle it. Share your problems with friends or family members you can trust. Some might laugh it off as wedding jitters at first, but let them know that it is taking a toll on you mentally and that you really feel unwell. They will try their best to help you. 

I spoke a lot to my best friends, one my matron of honour, one my bridesmaid. I was blessed as they are the best! They tried their best to help me with wedding prep and share advice as much as possible. My close colleagues too, though they don't know what I'm going through, also made me laugh a lot. I guess it's important to hang out more with happy and positive people. I can't thank all of them enough. 

3. Lower your expectations. Know that it's okay to be imperfect and okay to depend on others.

Looking back, I feel thankful and blessed to have many people support me in a way or another. Many brides tend to do everything themselves so that they can have the perfect wedding. This if your wedding. It should be one of the life events where you get to make the happiest and most beautiful memories. So don't let expectations ruin it! No matter how the wedding turn out to be, your husband, family and friends will still love you.

I remember reading a post on Reddit, where a groom said his horror story was that their hotel (very prestige hotel in Singapore) lost their luggage, with the wedding dress inside! He said everyone was panicking except for his wife, who was very calm and composed about it. He said that incident triple confirmed his decision to marry this strong woman. In the end they found the luggage right before the banquet starts. Whew!

So relax, trust the people around you and let them help you. Please remember that although it's your wedding, you need not do everything yourself.

Apart from the bridesmaids, groomsmen and family members, consider geting vendors! They say money cannot buy you health or time, but if money can lessen your stress and help you save time, isn't that buying health and time? :) So I spent some money on vendors I never thought I would, and did not regret one bit. 

I am also thankful towards my mother and my in-laws. My mother cleaned up the house thoroughly (she rarely does this haha) just for my wedding and even helped doll up my room. She also bought decors she knew I will like. Then thanks to my husband for talking to my in-laws, they allowed me to stay with my mother in the weekdays, and go over only in the weekends. I'm not sure if they could tell I was stressed. But no matter what, I'm very thankful that they are open to this idea. They also tried to include me in conversations etc, so that I feel more at home. 

4. Talk to your partner.

You are soon going to tie the knot with this person, who will promise to be with you in sickness and in health. Plus this is both your wedding. So please, do share your problems with your partner so he can try to help. It is especially important if your fiance is not good at reading minds. Don't assume that they will know you are troubled without saying anything.

I am again very thankful and blessed to have a husband who listens and tries his best to help me. Whenever I cry he just sits with me and I can see that he also thinks hard to reflect if he did something wrong. In order not to let him worry about the wrong things I tell him about what is bothering me truthfully. 

5. Find a place you feel safe in. Have days with ZERO wedding prep for self-care.

Find time for yourself. Do things you enjoy and don't think about the wedding.

Safe, as in you could feel relaxed and without stress. Where you could just be yourself and not think about any adulting duties, including the wedding. For me, that's at home in my own room. I hide under my blanket to play Nintendo Switch that my husband got for me to destress. Then I hang out with my mom to talk about random things. I also mute my phone and not go on social media (it's kinda toxic there).

Another safe place for me is Muji. I know it sounds ridiculous but the smell, sounds and colours in Muji calms me a lot. But nope, no buying Honey, no buying. Nowadays I try to listen to Muji BGMs in the morning (there are lots of them on YouTube).

If you like the outdoors, feel free to get out and have some sunlight and fresh air too! Just do whatever that can make you calm, relax and happy.

6. Be open to go for marriage preparation courses or even counseling.

This especially applies if your partner refuses to listen to acknowledge that you are having problems. Attending such courses give both of you opportunity to talk to each other and also sometimes get to listen to sharing from other couples. If the both of you fight a lot, this will also give you guys the platform to talk things out calmly.

7. Seek professional help.

Lastly, if you still feel at lost after trying out many ways, then I strongly suggest you seek professional help as soon as possible. Never feel ashamed to seek treatment! There are also many non-drug therapies so don't worry.

These are some places you can seek help from:

- HealthLine (toll-free, available in 4 languages)
Tel: 1800 223 1313
Mon-Fri: 8.30 am-5 pm
Sat: 8.30 am-1 pm

- Polyclinics and Hospitals

- Institute of Mental Health: Specialist Clinic B (subsidised)

According to healthhub.sg, "you can use Medisave to pay for part of your outpatient treatment medical bills for depression".

My current status.

And thanks to everyone, I begin to enjoy wedding planning and of course, totally enjoyed my actual wedding day. I am also much happier now. I must admit I still had difficulty adapting after my wedding and had a few major meltdowns and anxiety attacks, especially when my husband went back to work the next day after we checkout of the hotel, and I had to stay alone with my in-laws until he comes back around 7pm everyday for the first 2~3 weeks.

As an introvert I had a very hard time and was feeling very awkward. It was the most miserable 2 weeks in my life and probably one of the two peaks of my depression. The other was before the wedding where I cried myself to sleep everyday.

I understand that my husband meant well and thought he shouldn't waste his leave. He wanted to save it for later since we are not having honeymoon right after the wedding but in December. But I really needed him by my side to help me settle down in an unfamiliar place. This is easy to overlook as the house and residents in the house is where he grew up in and with, so he wouldn't find anything wrong staying there. And yes my in-laws are wonderful people. But it was my first time staying there and probably third time visiting his house. I don't blame him though, it's also partially my fault that I didn't tell him directly that I seriously needed him.

So grooms-to-be, if you are reading this, please take some time off to accompany your wife even if you guys have no plan after the wedding. All we need is company. And brides-to-be, please tell your partner what you really need.

Fast-forward to now it's almost 5 months after the wedding! My meltdowns and anxiety attack happens at a much lesser frequency and more prone only during PMS when my hormonal balance are wrecked. I've also learnt to speak up more and not bottle up my feelings and problems.

I really hope this post has helped you know that you are not alone, and that it's okay to seek help. If you are not depressed but still facing some stress as a bride-to-be, I hope the tips will also help you prevent depression.

Do also check out this post where I share about the vendors I engaged or things I bought to help me with my wedding and saved me from more stress and saved my time too.

Please take good care! Give yourself lots of love! And if you really need someone to talk to, feel free to leave a message!